After a teary 1:30am Sat morning phone call that lasted with real conversation until 3am, the girls' dad insisted that I go away for a nite for him to be with them and for me to get rest. The best way for me to get rest would be for my life to get back to normal or at least a semblance of normal.
It has been a gradual realization that the person who I have allowed to run this show, is the one whose behavior has been out of control for close to a year. I need to take control of my life - of my children's lives. I have to figure out how I am going to get out of this living hell.
On my way home tonite, I started crying about 1/3 the way and kept sobbing so hard that the pouring rain did not matter - I couldn't see through my tears. It was the realization that once in the house, I would be trapped until someone came to care for the girls again. It was the realization that I have been isolated in this place where I know noone. I never wanted to be here alone. I don't belong here.
It felt like my day pass from jail was over and I had to go back.
I love my kids but I really need more than to be mommy - for me and for them.
I thought I was going to be wife, lover, friend, social director, educator, PhD student, teacher, community member, sisterhood member, etc when we moved here to make our life. For now, my world has contracted so much that I am only Mommy to the kids and the dogs.
I need to figure out how to expand my world - get out of this gilded cage. I deserve a life where I am loved, where I can love back and not be hurt for it - a full and fullfilling life. All I am now is hungry for company - hungry for love - hungry for experience.
I am going to spend tomorrow trying to make a plan to get me out of this and to figure out where I want to be...
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