Next edition

After a teary 1:30am Sat morning phone call that lasted with real conversation until 3am, the girls' dad insisted that I go away for a nite for him to be with them and for me to get rest. The best way for me to get rest would be for my life to get back to normal or at least a semblance of normal.

It has been a gradual realization that the person who I have allowed to run this show, is the one whose behavior has been out of control for close to a year. I need to take control of my life - of my children's lives. I have to figure out how I am going to get out of this living hell.

On my way home tonite, I started crying about 1/3 the way and kept sobbing so hard that the pouring rain did not matter - I couldn't see through my tears. It was the realization that once in the house, I would be trapped until someone came to care for the girls again. It was the realization that I have been isolated in this place where I know noone. I never wanted to be here alone. I don't belong here.
It felt like my day pass from jail was over and I had to go back.

I love my kids but I really need more than to be mommy - for me and for them.
I thought I was going to be wife, lover, friend, social director, educator, PhD student, teacher, community member, sisterhood member, etc when we moved here to make our life. For now, my world has contracted so much that I am only Mommy to the kids and the dogs.

I need to figure out how to expand my world - get out of this gilded cage. I deserve a life where I am loved, where I can love back and not be hurt for it - a full and fullfilling life. All I am now is hungry for company - hungry for love - hungry for experience.
I am going to spend tomorrow trying to make a plan to get me out of this and to figure out where I want to be...

My Strange Life

As an introduction to my tale, I was an only child with no family nearby. I always wanted a large family. I imagined myself as the Mama with the sweater and a child always hanging on her. I also imagined a loving hard-working husband to support and protect us. I waited almost forever to find him. 14 years ago, I thought I did. I was a child of divorced parents and I swore that I would never have a child without a husband and father for them. So while my biological clock started to unwind, I waited to find a partner for the family I always dreamed of. I finally got married and started trying to have a baby with my partner, my love. Almost 10 years after the wedding, with much money spent and many doctors, nurses, drugs and heartache, my triplets were born. The pregnancy was hard but I barely noticed it I was so happy and scared that I was finally having the children of my dreams. I was especially glad they were triplets because I knew what it was like to grow up alone and to bury your parents alone. I enjoyed the fact that they would always have each other. I still do.

Well, we moved out of the city when the girls were almost 1 and we separated when they were almost 2. We are divorcing and I have no clue as to why. My husband had his midlife crisis and decided to leave me for his college sweetheart who rashly left her husband for him. He broke the news the same week that he got laid off from his job and my live-in nanny told me she had to leave because she needed surgery for a lump in her breast. Did I mention that was the same day that I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy because my stomach had been hurting so much I thought I had an ulcer?
Well that was last March and here I am 10 months later sliding down into the depths of hell. This story has more twists and turns than a road in the Alps.

What I am going to write here is about my journey - perhaps turning down further into the depths of darkness and then hopefully turning around to heights of achievement and accomplishment I never dreamed of. I hope you will ride along with me.